Fifty Percent chance for Moisture
by Madi Holmes
Summary: Moist reflects. Well, okay, I reflect on Moist. Not so surprising crossover.
1. Chapter 1

I do not own Dr Horrible or anything else for that matter. This is more of a reflection on Moist, because, as the lone sane guy, he was woefully underused. Hopefully, he'll even get his own song in the sequel (WHICH IS BEING WRITTEN RIGHT NOW)

I am an anthropologist (cough nerd alert!), so if you read my stuff, you can probably tell by now that I "love" analyzing cultures. Even fake ones. No dialogue or even plot. Rumination is the word of the day.

It sucks. Being a super-nonhero. Not even a super villain. So .When one has a totally non-awesome power (and possibly a glandular problem), what does one do? Make friends? Influence people? Or just do what every other person who doesn't fit the standard "hero/villain" archetype and join the Henchmen Union.

Now joining and becoming are way too different things. Like acting, only about 2% go on to bigger and better gigs. Some, like Computer Override or Arcane Arcade (it was the 80s), become bona fide super villains on their own end. Others, like Mage Madge, sell out and convert to Superhero status. Then there's the Iron (Y)- the only sidekick to somehow play both sides and still not have anyone get it. The equivalent of Jews for Jesus handing out Watchtowers. After a while, everyone just got annoyed and stopped taking his calls- one of the few times both superheroes and supervillains ever agreed on anything (a quorum was called and everything).

But most sort of languished in their weekend warrior roles as evil sidekick to whoever would hire/adopt them (most didn't even get that far). 90% didn't even have their own costume- why bother if you hooked up with a superhero/villian with a gold and purple color scheme with helicopter wings and you just blew $400 on a blue and white costume with a squirrel motif? Way too many newbies got caught in the ol' outfit scheme scam. Best to just wear old jeans- who knew when one would have to escape via sewer?

But unlike the Superheroes/villains, things were a lot looser in the Union. Good and evil sidekicks often mingled, gossiping, sometimes even hooking up; lots and lots of D&D had been played, and it was way more interesting when almost everyone had some lame but potentially level 2 dangerous power (Mindflick kept flicking crap like dice and cards with her mind at people until getting /kickedbanned for a month).

Moist was sort of a non-follower. He'd joined up on half of a whim, and somehow hooked up with one of the more benign super villains. He liked that about Billy. Not that the guy wasn't fully committed to being bad and doing awful things (in the name of good- Moist never really got a handle on how his philosophy worked), but his own nature just sort of got in the way. Truth, Billy mostly picked him because Moist provided an excellent lubricant for his machines and gizmos ("It's an organo-based lubrication with no real breakdown on a cellular level, and it's not the super expensive stuff that one can't just get at Walmart!"). Moist mostly just needed a neutral place to stay.

For some reason, Billy was obsessed with optics. "Rays," he would say, "are the future." The ability to bend, expand, contract, squeeze light particles and ions into compacted forms of blah blah blah. Billy would go into great chunks of detail at times. Pop culture referencing Copernicus and da Vinci and Leeuwenhoek. Moist actually knew all of them, what they were all about. But being Moist had taught him how to overcome one's disabilities. How to schmooze and make friends, when to throw out a Buffy or Friends line. After a while, he actually became one of the more popular people in the Union (he even got invited to a few superhero parties, which were always lamer and more sober than one would think). And one doesn't do that by riffing four hundred year old dead people that nobody actually cared about. Unless in the right company, of course.

Moist knew all of this, because he had his own secret identity. One that let him be himself, where he didn't have to phrase his words for maximum social status approval, didn't have to worry about how he dressed or presented himself or be the ultimate straightman for everyone else's crazy hang-ups. It really was the best of all worlds. He could be the funny guy, the neurotic, dress in geek chique. Then he could be the straight shooter, the sane guy that everyone liked because he never was crazy or went completely over the top with crazy, ill formed antics.

Moist even had his own engineering masters degree, but he wasn't about to tell Billy that. Sidekicks were supposed to be the backup singers of the duo- the Captain to the Tenille. The Randy Jackson to the Simon and Paula. The Kim to the Matt or was it the Matt to the Kim?

Not that he didn't plow through Billy's notes when the guy was out laundering. Because Billy really was a genius. Moist didn't read them to steal or borrow ideas, he read them just for the sheer enjoyment factor. Somehow Billy had actually figured out how to package vectored beams of light into nifty packets of visible, finite pulses in a relatively small handheld gun. That technology alone was worth billions. But Billy was so in his own little universe of evil that he couldn't see outside of the superheros/super villains culture. He could have just out and out bought Australia on the pulse patent alone.

Moist thought about co-mingling his friends, letting the two worlds converge. He knew Billy would be In Like Flynn with the others. That he would be exalted, have other social outelts besides himself, could stay up late hours doing exactly what Billy liked to do best (besides taking over the world) and get into deep conversations about physics and optics and everything else that overly smart people with no sense of propriety talk about. Probably even relax enough and socialize enough to realize that not every socially outcasted genius had to play the super villain card to get anywhere.

But Moist was protective of his two halves. Billy had Dr. Horrible to let his inner geek out and even Captain Hammer to a certain extent, and Moist got a social life outside of engineering and geek jokes. He couldn't let the two mix, because then it would just get weird. He couldn't be himself, and he couldn't be himself again.

Splitting oneself into two personalities was way stranger (and easier) than he thought possible, and then he realized he couldn't go back even if he wanted to. With Billy, he could do things like rob banks, lubricate things, hang out with normal people, and hit on women in leather successfully. With the others, he could wear the crazy outfits, play WoW all night, and hit on women in leather unsuccessfully.

And then suddenly there was not one but two Pennies in his life, and things just got stupidly complicated.


	2. Chapter 2

Moist never really got to know Red Penny. From what Billy said, she seemed to be the exact opposite of Blonde Penny. Shy, demure, introverted, red headed. Both were great girls, but pretty opposite personalities- Bat-Girl and Supergirl? Batgirl and Powergirl? The duo team ups were endless. But both seemed to suffer from the worst malady of all- attraction to total asshats, superpowered or otherwise. And both suffered from unrequited geek love.

Weeks went by as he started to juggle each life better and better- "time in the lab," "time with mom," "time to scope out possible places to hit," and sometimes, he just left a note. Or not.

The only time he had a close call was when he was escorting Blonde Penny to a dinner with their friends at the local Chinese restaurant. Not thinking, he led her through the backalley- knowing full well and completely forgetting that Teeny and Bullfrog haunted it on Tuesday nights.

As Teeny emerged from the shadows, demanding money and jewelry (both were pretty much glorified purse snatchers), Moist gave the secret henchman code- "Dude, Come on…" to let other henchmen that he too was in the league but without revealing his personal life. He had even heard that a few would let some throw a few "lucky shots" to help insure a great date later on.

Teeny's eyes flicked with distant recognition, somehow seeing Moist past his alter ego disguise (a shave and over combed hair) when Penny pivoted on her hip and roundhoused him in the nose.

Teeny went down, landing on his cape in a puddle of muddy water, his left lacrimal cracked despite the reinforced domino mask.

"Penny!" Moist yelped, bending down next to the hurt henchman.

"He was trying to rob us!" She yelped back, trying to kick the guy with her shoes.

"No!" Moist grabbed her, pushing her back a foot. "It's- it's Mike! He's a friend of mine," he started ad libbing, going back to his friend.

"Dude, you so owe me," Teeny hissed through blood.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered back, helping the guy to his feet. "And Penny's sorry too, Mike!" He overemphasized in a sitcom loud voice. "Hey man, here's twenty bucks for the dry cleaning," he slapped a bill into Teeny's hand. Dry cleaners always gouged on uniforms.

Teeny slunked off, Penny still apologizing to him even though he "looked just like the real one, and why dress up as a henchman anyway??" Then she remembered her friend and shut up about costumes. "He's not angry?"

"Nah, I'll fix him up later. You know… nerds," Moist threw her a Wolowitz smile, resigned to the fact that the cash from the last heist would have to pay for Ol' Doc Poison's medical bill (and he wasn't cheap). Moist sighed, went back to being Wolowitz, and changed the subject to how to calculate breast size using fractals.


	3. Chapter 3

As Red Penny started becoming more prevalent in Billy's life, Moist loosened up a bit, letting his friend have alone time with her. It wasn't the only reason though. Moist could tell that Billy was ratcheting up his bid for the ELE, that the applications were being submitted more and more, that his various inventions were becoming less benign, more purposeful for worse things.

If Billy ever got into the ELE, it would completely change things. Henchmanning was all well and good for a hobby, but full time henching was a completely different subject. Every super villain's sidekick became that more hardcore as a result. His social status would elevate, sure, but so would the commitment and danger level.

To be honest, Moist thought that Billy was the last one he ever expected to be considered for the ELE. It wasn't that Dr. Horrible wasn't bad ass, it was just- he was possibly the most mixed up villain ever. Most criminals (even Dead Bowie) were in it for the money and prestige, others were just adrenaline junkies, and some were legacy cases.

But Billy joined up to "change society"- for the betterment of mankind, no less. If Moist hadn't known Billy as he did, he'd have guessed that Dr. Horrible was on the same level as the Unibomber, only with cleaner clothes and a somewhat charming personality. But the guy was so incompetent at times. He even ruined some of his own heists with that blog. What criminal mastermind blogs his future criminal plans? What criminal blogs??

Moist had a feeling that the ELE had more of an interest in his brain more than commitment to evilness. Billy being Billy also blogged his basement-built inventions without any knowledge or care as to who watched. It drove Moist nuts when the guy would casually mention a new scientific breakthrough or revealed some invention and then start going into rambling details. There was a small following online just on his science claims alone- was he the real deal? Was he a kook? Could one alchemy gold into cumin? There were a lot of zoomed in pictures of his white boards and laboratory. God only knew what Dr. Horrible could do in a proper lab. Moist didn't know why the guy wasn't at UCLA already.

Curiosity getting the best of him, he googled both personalities. Dr. Horrible was rated middling on the villain popularity list, while Billy was….

Obviously, the two would be divorced online; Dr. Horrible at least rerouted his blogs through ten different countries before posting. Surprisingly, it was Billy who had 150,000 hits. But only with the name "Melville" or "pay here for term paper" attached.

"So how goes the searching?"

"gahh!!" Moist jumped, slamming his laptop lid down.

"What?"

"Dr. Horrible. You've been researching him for four hours now."

"What?" Moist's mouth went dry.

"You've been using Leonard and I's wifi. You obviously forgot that I keep a real time log of websites visited." Sheldon explained most patiently.

"Just something I saw online," Moist replied. "This guy makes me laugh."

"Yes, well, while he has resoundedly ripped off the evil scientist theme from the Fleischer Superman cartoons, I have found his claims to be… quite fantastic."

"Evil scientists- prone to expostulate," Moist smiled.

"If I might be so blunt, I have to ask, Howard."

"Yes…."

"How long have you known Dr. Horrible?"

Wolowitz gulped. "Why would I know that guy?"

"Several reasons," Sheldon started, "First, Penny's assailant was dressed up as one 'Teeny, the Terror of Tinseltown," who you then claimed to be a friend named Mike. I know for a fact that you have no friends or acquaintances named Mike. Secondly, that alley is notorious for being one of Teeny and Bullfrog's haunts. Thirdly-" Sheldon handed over a picture print out. "This is a picture of Dr. Horrible blogging, and this is your nose."

The photo showed the profile of a face sticking out, slightly blurry, but Moist knew it was himself. "That doesn't even look like me."

"On the contrary, if you discount the unkempt hair, it's the very same as you. I also measured chin curvature of the chin and compared nasal lengths. This is you."

Moist could have denied it, argue that he had an evil twin, was cloned, or Sheldon was just wrong. But it was Sheldon.

"Just met him a couple of times through mutual friends," he wiped his hands on his pants, soaked handprints on denim.

Sheldon pierced him, "While I understand that the superhero/super villain subculture can provide what I imagine to be a very exciting form of escapism, I must caution you from any further interactions with either Billy or Dr. Horrible."

Moist started dripping down into his shoes. His clothes completely saturated.

Sheldon wrinkled his nose, "You are sweating profusely. Have you always been this way? I'm not sure you should be allowed on the couch anymore."

"It's a thing," he replied automatically.

"Ah," Sheldon nodded. "Tea?"

Moist shook his head. He hoped to god that Sheldon would never, ever join either side. The world would never survive.


	4. Chapter 4

Moist had been away when everything went down. Last he'd checked in, Billy had been at the Laundromat. But his friend had learned his lesson, hadn't blogged the new plan- didn't even text his own henchman for the heads up.

Wolowitz had been catching up on his own work, head buried in NASA schematics and metric conversions. In the back of his brain, he'd wondered how he'd gotten to this place in life- doing stupid stuff like robbing banks and watching ground breaking original science with major real life implications. On the other, he was working with NASA, but still doing stupid stuff with the gang. The problem with them, though, was that they got so wrapped up in the theoretical that they got all snotty about the applicable. Okay, mostly Sheldon got that way, but the other two sometimes adopted his viewpoints.

He was going to resign as henchman.

This (he swore later) came about ten seconds before the newsfeed cut into a Star Trek rerun.

Dr. Horrible just took out the Hammer and Red Penny, fragments from the deathray flying everywhere.

Moist dropped his draft pencil, ghosted to the mini television, watching as the camera swung back to show Dr. Horrible slipping Red Penny onto a gurney. As he stood back up, his entire demeanor changed, posture straightening, his eyes hardening. No one else saw it, realized that Billy was slipping away, leaving only Dr. Horrible behind.

Wolowitz also checked out in that second- an extended two week vacation. Moist had to pick up the pieces, knowing that he had become a fugitive himself on some level. Before he could stop, could think, he was out of the lab, the hallway, the elevator, the building, the campus.

He blinked and found himself inside Billy's house. It looked ridiculous now- like a child's playroom, and suddenly he couldn't remember the appeal.

"Mr. Moist aka Howard Wolowitz?"

"GaH!!" Moist jumped as a man emerged from the lab. "Who are you?"

The man looked familiar, like he'd seen him before from a long time ago.

"Your representative, Moist aka Howard Wolowitz." The man in a suit and sunglasses smiled, trying to look reassuring, but somehow failing. "We have very important things to discuss and not a lot of time to do it."

"We do?" Moist's face dropped.

The other man's shoulders slumped aggressively. "I have been brought in from the East Coast to vet you personally. You should feel honored that I am here. Now, about your future."

"Who are you?"

The man grinned, "Heh, please. Now then, you got quite the promotion today. Henchman for the hottest up and coming supervillain. Your star is rising, my friend."

"Yes?"

"You just have to ask yourself one question."

"Yes?"

"Are you awesome enough for this job?"

"…"

"Of course, you can say no."

"I can?"

"Sure. Just…"

"What??"

"BT-dub, no one's said 'no' so far."

"Naaahhoooooooooo. Who are you again?"

"I am your liason between the ELE/HU consortium. I am here to represent you in any and all conflicts that should arise between you and Dr. Horrible." He answered, escorting Moist randomly around the house. "Ahh…" The man cocked his chin, "you guys are always so cute with your naiveté. Before my organization became involved, 80% of all new ELE level henchmen died their first year."

"What??"

"Bottom line: ELE henchmen upgrades, professional jealousy, or accidental decapitations. Supervillains want super henchmen. It's an ego thing. Collateral damage, if you will."

"Dr. Horrible wouldn't-"

"He just whacked the Hammer's girlfriend. A cute-sy, innocent, community building, volunteer at soup kitchens. Who are you again?"

Moist couldn't answer.

"Stay close to him for now. You'll receive a packet of information soon for your own possible upgrades, life insurance policies, and union dues." The man in the sunglasses grinned, all predatory with a hint of mischief, as the two walked out onto the front lawn. "And, for god sakes, uniform up."

It drove Moist nuts that he couldn't place the guy. After the past hour's horrible outcome, his biggest annoyance was some random guy's familiarity.

"We'll be in touch," the guy patted Moist's shoulder as a limo pulled up along the street.

"Allo!" The driver yelled from a rolling down tinted window.

"Ranjit!" the man smiled, way too happy to see a limo driver. "LAX," He ordered, climbing into the back. "We'll email you." He yelled out, shutting the door.

"Goodbye," the limo driver waved happily, driving off.


End file.
